Knowing how to be with other people is not a personality trait, David Brooks argues. It is a set of skills, like carpentry or tennis, and skills can be taught. How to sit with someone who is depressed. How to end a relationship without crushing someone's heart. How to ask for and offer forgiveness. Somehow our culture has stopped teaching any of it. He starts with the tip Tami Simon calls the most powerful one in the book for her own life: treat attention as an on-off switch rather than a dimmer. Your default with anyone should be 100% or zero, never 60-40. She describes her husband noticing that he only ever received her full attention when she was formally interviewing him, and the familiar scene of trying to listen while unloading the dishwasher, insisting you can do both. Brooks points to Bill Clinton as the classic example of the on-switch, the man who made everyone feel they were the only person in the room. Then the practical repertoire. Be a loud listener, like the friend Brooks describes who responds as though he is in a Pentecostal church, all yes and preach and I'm in, and who is a joy to talk to for exactly that reason. And do not be a topper. When someone tells you their flight sat on the tarmac for two hours, the instinct to mention your six-hour delay looks like relating, but what it really says is let us pay less attention to your inferior experiences and more to my superior ones. He is sharpest on the feedback sandwich, the positive-negative-positive formula we are all taught. Research shows it does not work, because people only hear the negative. Drawing on David Yeager's book 10 to 25, Brooks explains why: what a young person is actually listening for underneath your words is simply, do you respect me? So a sandwich reads as respect, then disrespect, then respect, and all that registers is the disrespect. Joseph Grenny and his co-authors put it best in Crucial Conversations, a line Brooks says has lingered with him for years: in any conversation, respect is like air. When it is present, nobody notices. When it is absent, it is all anyone can think about. Which is why, when it comes to ending a relationship, his instinct is lavish respect. Contempt, the experts say, is the number one cause of divorce, and once contempt is present an honest and kind conversation is nearly impossible. But in most breakups the respect that first drew you to the person is still there even when the love has gone, and showing it generously is the most honest way to explain why this is not working. He admits, with some relish, that he was always the one being broken up with, never the dumper. Want to go deeper with David Brooks? Join Sounds True One for more teachings like this. Get your first month FREE at https://bit.ly/4ctecMn Subscribe to Sounds True's YouTube Channel ► https://bit.ly/SubscribeSTYT Sounds True is a mission-driven learning and media company, and a recognized leader in wellbeing, personal growth, and spiritual transformation. Partnering with the world’s foremost wisdom teachers and best-selling authors, the company reaches millions worldwide with its unique programs, digital learning experiences, and worldwide events. The company also features a variety of original series, weekly shows, and live online experiences on Sounds True One, its global platform and community with members across more than 125 countries. Sounds True is a Public Benefit Corporation and also the home of the Sounds True Foundation. Connect with us: ▪️Facebook: http://bit.ly/2XFIIeE ▪️Instagram: http://bit.ly/2UlEoiH ▪️Website: http://bit.ly/2tOl02d